The alphabet is evil.
I’ll bet you didn’t know that. But it is. It is evil to the core and out to get you. OK, maybe not you, not yet anyway, but it is definitely out to get me.
I should clarify that I’m speaking about the English alphabet. Even more specifically, the American English alphabet. The British English alphabet is safe. (I mean, come on, how can any alphabet that ends in ‘Zed’ be evil? Simply not possible!)
The American English alphabet is evil for one reason: it has a twisted and extremely irritating limitation on the use of the letter ‘u’. Every year, because of its archaic rule system, developed over a hundred years ago in the darkest corner of Western civilization, we are forced to drop the letter ‘u’ from a myriad of words, which has a devastating impact on the biblio-diversity of our language.
As an example, look how flat and undernourished the words ‘humor’ and ‘color’ and ‘draft’ look when compared to their proper British spelling, ‘humour’ and ‘colour’ and ‘draught’. (And hey, there’s another nasty little gotcha of this upstart alphabet – requiring the substitution of ‘f’ for ‘gh’ – it’s diabolical!)
When I say it’s diabolical, I’m not exaggerating. The American English alphabet is a product of the Devil herself. (Yes, herself. Only a woman could be this evil. Go ahead, write your angry comments about how sexist that remark is, but it’s true. Check out Genesis if you don’t believe me – that snake was female!) You see, bastardizing the American English alphabet was the start of a grand project to create a schism between the United Kingdom and the United States of America, thus leaving the whole of the Atlantic Ocean up for grabs instead of under the protection of a powerful and united alliance between two mighty nations that spoke exactly the same language.
It is the American English alphabet that is directly responsible for the furled brows and confused expressions found on Americans when they hear about spotted dick and jumpers and sticky wickets. Oh, the tragedy of it all. And hate this devilish scheme all you want, you can’t help but admire the seductive beauty of it. “We’re just limiting the use of the letter ‘u’ to save time on type-setting and money on ink. For every hundred pages you print in this way, you save two and a half pages of paper. That’s good for the environment! (The Devil is not red, as commonly depicted, but green. Very, very green.) An inconsequential change with vast economic savings over time. What could be the harm?” Of course, this question was posed while She was wearing a very low-cut, very form-fitting dress, thus confuzzling poor Man even more. Because let’s face it, the Devil, she is hot.
What could be the harm, indeed. Well-played, Satan, well-played.
And off we trundled, smiles on our faces as we thought about all the money we’d save (and the curves of that clinging dress), down the path of the damned to the village of the damned with all its bastard blond children of the damned. There were some on that path who saw the danger, who stopped and turned back and tried to warn the rest of us as we passed by. Jesus (he spoke English, I’m pretty sure, based on all the movies he’s been in that were in English). Benedict Arnold (who died trying to keep our nations united). George W. Bush (whose murderous crimes against American English can only be called downright heroic once you learn the truth about the Alphabet Conspiracy.) And the most famous of the prophets (which isn’t saying much), George Bernard Shaw, who tried to tip us off with that completely misunderstood statement, “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.” Now there was a man who knew about the treachery of immortal women forged in Hellfire and prancing about in extremely tight-fitting dresses.
And now, of course, me.
Which is why the American English alphabet is trying to do me in. Me and anyone else who has gotten to the end of this entry, which means you too are in mortal peril.
There’s only one way to protect yourself so you can carry on the message. Switch to a new alphabet. Kanji, Greek, or, if you’re lazy like me, British English.
And you have to admit, those words look so much better with the extra ‘u’.