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The Coming Corno-pocalypse

26 Oct
Let's just say he's not looking for hot spots downtown on a Friday night

Cute Animal or Divine Temptation?

We are on the cusp of an environmental and agricultural disaster. And it is your fault, dear readers.

Yes, your fault. You and your damnable love for baby corn.

Yes, you read that right.

No, I’m not talking about the full-grown but severely stunted ears coming out of Colorado.  I’ve already warned you about that. I’m talking about healthy, tasty, crunchy baby corn. Infant corn. Prepubescent corn.

I long ago eschewed the delicacy when I perceived the looming extinction event. I had the foresight to see it coming and had time to slowly wean myself of the addiction. But voracious consumer of the stuff that I may have been, my abstaining from the tender vital wasn’t, and isn’t, enough.

That’s right. Corn is on the verge of extinction.

What did you expect? If we keep harvesting and eating corn in its infant, or, even worse, embryonic stage (I’m talking to you, vile popcorn lovers!), there will be no mature adult corn cobs to propagate the species. The folly of our management of this particular consumable is self-evident.

And yet society continues to clamor for more and more baby corn, as if utterly blind to the consequences.

It disgusts me, but my disgust does little to save this staple agricultural species.

Instead of my disgust, we need an advertising campaign, something to make the general public aware of just how close to corn genocide, or as I call it, cornocide, we are.

Though perhaps we shouldn’t include my disgust in that campaign. It’s pretty…heady…stuff.

You know, something like that anti-baby seal clubbing campaign a few years ago, with long lingering shots of soft-eyed baby seals, seemingly imploring us to reach into their Arctic habitat and personally intervene to save them.

Of course, baby seals aren’t the greatest example. The meat is so soft, so sweet on the tongue, falling right off the bone. If anything would make me give up my militant Veganism, it’s blackened baby seal encrusted with macadamia nuts.

Mmm, blackened baby seal encrusted with macadamia nuts.

Where was I? Oh, yes.

Maybe some ads with ears of corn listening for the sound of their salvation? I can see that working on television, but we’ll need a better angle for radio.

We could show the kernals of corn screaming as they pop in the popcorn maker. That’s pretty striking, right?

The point is, people, you need to stop eating baby corn. Wait until the damn ears have spawned at least a couple of litters before you chow down on them.

Otherwise, corn will go extinct, AND THEN WHAT WILL WE FEED OUR CORN-FED BEEF???

Oh yeah, and there will be no more baby corn. What’s the point of living if you can’t have baby corn?

Sweet, delicious, forbidden baby corn. Goes great with baby seal.

And now, a word from our sponsor: me!

Marlowe and the SpacewomanClick here to check out my forthcoming book, Marlowe and the Spacewoman, coming out January 9th, 2012 (Balloon Ascension Day)!

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Posted by on 26 October 2011 in Angst

 

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