A spoiler-free review of Prometheus

15 Jun

I don’t know about you, but I hate being exposed to spoilers for movies and television programs I haven’t seen yet.

It’s the primary reason I avoid Tumblr.

But it occurs to me that maybe spoilers are hard to avoid, that I should walk a mile (or a kilometer, for you metricphiles out there) in a spoiler’s shoes before complaining about what inconsiderate asses they are.

Don't look up it's nose - it'll hypnotise you!

A promotional poster for Prometheus. Or is it??

So I’ve decided to write a movie review. About Prometheus. Which I just saw a couple of days ago.

A lot of people are talking about it, and I figure if I use that as a tag, I’ll get more blog traffic.


Prometheus centers around the character(s) of Evil Kenevil and Rupert Murdoch-wannabe Lance Armstrong. It offers the viewer a compelling conflict between Faberge egg connoisseurs and Jello-brand gelatin, who are searching for answers to where one can find the finest gourmet cheese whizzes.

The movie opens with a powerful scene of a Jersey Shore cast member dancing the lambada just before jumping into Niagra Falls and having a complete and total meltdown. It gets very messy from there, involving new and disgusting ways for a nation’s economic sovereignty to be violated. I was impressed.

Fast forward to the next season, and we’re in space. The Situation is playing with matches while his (or maybe her?) comrades are sleeping off the end all, be all of hangovers. They arrive at the Alien Experience ride at Universal Studios only discover some horrible accident has wiped out the attendants at the space gas station and they’re seriously screwed. Because they weren’t allowed to bring any gasoline with them.

Searching the facility, the crew finds an extraterrestrial version of the Cartoon Network and a room filled with sealed kegs of Captain Morgan rum that has gone seriously past its expiration date and a giant big toe sculpture. Extra spoiler – it has a humdinger of a hangnail. Truly this is a horror movie.

Naturally, this leads inevitably to some shoplifting and uncovering Tony Soprano’s head in a bowling ball bag. And what does one do when one finds Tony Soprano’s head in a bowling ball bag? Why, you do what the Situation would do, and juice it, of course. This leads to a messy, gooey tirade of profanity from Tony Soprano’s head that put me off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the rest of my life.

The movie has a lot of references to things that might be related to stuff in the Alien movie. But I can’t be sure, because the Alien movie happens after this movie, so I could be wrong.

As you’ve no doubt heard, there are a lot of ambitious questions asked by Prometheus. Where are my glasses? Did you take my peanut butter and jelly sandwich out of the cafeteria refrigerator, even though my name was clearly printed on the bag? Should I have worn a condom when I slept with you last night? What is this burning sensation in my uterus?

The movie had a lot of plot holes, with some of those holes requiring more effort and imagination than others to fill, but I still found that I was able to overlook the inexplicable out-of-character behavior of some characters, which I’m sure can be explained by wild leaps of the imagination thrown in with insane assumptions and a fanatical suppression of logic. Despite this, or perhaps because of it, I liked this movie.

Even after the big reveal at the end, where the character we all thought was a beautiful woman turned out to be a man, baby! But that’s hardly a spoiler – I totally saw that coming after seeing the trailer.

And that’s what drives me crazy the most: when the worst spoilers are in the damned movie trailer. I haven’t seen crucial plot points like that one revealed in a trailer since My Dinner With Andre (yes, he had the special! Thanks for ruining the whole movie, Louis Malle, you poor excuse for a festering gob of gangrenous pus!)

Sometimes life just isn’t fair. But the pricks on Tumblr, as I have just demonstrated with the ease of my non-spoilering, totally deserve my hatred.

As for Prometheus, I give the movie four and a half face huggers out of five. Or maybe just one really big face hugger.

And now, a word from our sponsor: me!
My books are now available!
Marlowe and the Spacewoman:

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Posted by on 15 June 2012 in Other Blogs


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2 responses to “A spoiler-free review of Prometheus

  1. poetryofamadman

    16 June 2012 at 1:20 am

    Awesome! I must go see this at the with my . for the review.

    • ianmdudley

      16 June 2012 at 11:26 pm

      Oh, you don’t want to see it at —————. Several of my friends ———- there. I was attending funerals for weeks afterwards. Of complete strangers, of course. All because of my bet that the theater wouldn’t be —————————————. But if you bring –, be sure you have the papers proving —‘s pedigree. The ————- can be nasty about stuff like that.


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