In addition to author, engineer, and mercury-poisoned madman, I also identify as a nerd.
In my role as a science-oriented geek, I worry. We’re not churning out enough trekkies (or, as we refer to them in our household, ‘trekkers’) to reach the critical mass required to takeover the world by 2039.
I’m not just alarmed about this because of my mild OCD. Falling behind schedule on the takeover has a domino effect on everything that follows. And let’s be honest: who among us can wait more than seventeen years for reality television programs that humiliate jocks?
That’s right, jocks, come 2039, the toilet will be on the other head. I’m gonna nominate you for the first episode, Buford Donatello. Star quarterback or not, nobody who snatches Ian M. Dudley from his Science Exploration Club meeting in order to administer a swirly in the library commode can expect to go more than fifty years without payback.
I had just been elected club president, damn you! I was in the middle of my inauguration speech! And it would have been quite the stirring speech if I hadn’t been carried off, screaming like a toddler with his junk caught in a vise.
Revenge is a dish best served cold, and the toilet water on this show will be very cold indeed.
But I digress.
We need more nerds. The sooner, the better.
But how, you ask, can we ensure a plentiful supply of this essential resource?
Yes, we need to encourage smart men and smart women to reproduce.
With each other, preferably. Statistically speaking, mating with dumb people will dilute the nerd pool.
But like computer code, geekdom isn’t just inherited. Well, OK, like non-object-oriented computer code, it isn’t just inherited.
It’s also a learned behavior.
Not Nature versus Nurture, but Nature and Nurture.
We have to ramp up the little Einstein production and then we need to –gulp- raise them.
How can we do this?
It’s simple. I give you Nerd’s Law:
Raise thy nerdly offspring as you would raise thyself.
Or in other words, the sooner you introduce them to D&D, the better.
More specifically, keep your children out of the sun, encourage them to study hard in school, discourage them from participating in sports (head injuries!), and most importantly, teach them to use science to defeat bullies.
Nay! Not just defeat the bullies! Teach them to use dark, diabolical science to inspire absolute, bowel-voiding terror of all Nerdkind.
For, to paraphrase Machiavelli, it is better to be feared than to get your head dunked in a toilet.
—And now, a word from our sponsor: me! My books are available!
Marlowe and the Spacewoman: