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Do you have a gang problem like I have a gang problem? I didn’t think so.

10 Dec
The Santa Claus Gang: A Marlowe and the Spacewoman short story

The Santa Claus Gang: The gift that keeps on giving…to me

I’m excited to announce that The Santa Claus Gang, a short story set in the Marlowe and the Spacewoman universe, is now available for sale.

To celebrate, I’ve decided to donate all the proceeds from the sale of The Santa Claus Gang to a charity that is near and dear to my heart.

Me.

That’s right, if you act now, not only do you get a fun short story, but you’re helping to feed a starving author.

A starving author with kids.

Hungry kids.

And a hungry wife who isn’t just hungry, but complaining about not having the lifestyle I promised while wooing her: the glamorous lifestyle of a best-selling author.

I wasn’t a best-selling author then, but I had faith. The Missus knew I wasn’t a best-selling author yet too, but she had faith.

After some cajoling on my part.

But the problem is I’m still not a best-selling author, and I can’t afford the life of luxury I promised my wife. While I still have faith, the Missus’ faith and my hungry kids’ adoring faith is growing thin.

And, as the Missus keeps reminding me, faith isn’t edible.

So I’ve decided the only thing to do, the only way to make ends meet, is to donate all profits from the sale of The Santa Claus Gang to myself.

In addition to food, we recently had to let the nanny go. That’s right, we had to lay off the nanny. Just who will my kids huddle against for warmth during the cold dark nights now that she’s gone?

Cold because I had to shut off the gas to the furnace as a cost-saving measure.

It’s a Greek tragedy, and I’m not just saying that because the Missus has My Big Fat Greek Wedding on the TV right now.

Our tiny yet back-breakingly heavy, non-HD CRT television.

When I think of the paltry childhood memories of sports programming my kids will have, it makes me weep.

Bitter, standard-definition tears. The worst kind of tears.

Due to financial constraints, I am unable to store the books in a proper warehouse, instead stacking them in the corner of my kids’ room. Now the e-book versions don’t take up a lot of room, but the paperbacks are definitely encroaching on the kiddos’ play space.

Not to mention they are terrified of the cover, waking up in the middle of the night screaming about the scary books coming for them.

And without a nanny to huddle against for a false sense of security, how will they not be permanently scarred?

My only hope, our family’s only hope, is to move that merchandise out the door as quickly as possible.

So if you won’t buy the book for my sake, buy it for my kids’ sake. Or the author’s sake.

So, to recap:

  • The Santa Claus Gang is available now
  • All profits go to feeding the author and his family
  • Anything left over after food purchases will be put towards hiring a new nanny (who isn’t as young and voluptuous as the last one, which bothered the Missus for some reason)
  • Buying a paperback version brings my kiddos one step closer to having a safe space to retreat to, which they need when their daddy goes on his drunken benders*
* Proceeds from sales of The Santa Claus Gang will not be used to procure liquor for the author. That’s what the money from Marlowe and the Spacewoman is used for.
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