I recently decided to reduce my carbon footprint.
As a student pilot spending an hour a week flying a plane around in circles, it suddenly dawned on me that said plane consumes a lot of aviation fuel.
This caused some pangs of guilt. After all, I’m not even doing something useful, like traveling from point A to point B.
I’m flying in circles.
As a student, I’m not that good at flying in circles yet. More like sad, misshapen ovals.
The point being: increased carbon footprint.
Turns out buying a smaller shoe size does nothing towards this reduction, and goes a long way towards giving you blisters.
After walking a day in those smaller shoes, I decided I needed to change tack.
So today, when I realized I’d forgotten to mail a bill and it was now due in two days (and one of those days was a Sunday), instead of driving the quarter-mile to the post office, I walked.
Both ways, even.
Because that makes more sense than driving to the airport, renting a plane, and then flying to the post office.
I mean, come on, how would I drop off the letter? Just throw it out the window as I soar overhead and hope?
Clearly, not a viable option for a member of the 99%.
So I went for the smaller carbon footprint option.
That’s me, a strident eco-activist hell-bent on saving the environment.
At least until I learn enough to fly out of here to a better environment.
I am always focused on personal growth and development, so when I embarked upon this walk it was with the intention of honing my environmental awareness.
I kept my eyes wide open.
And couldn’t help but notice all the cars on the road.
With the windows down.
And the stereos blasting music.
Music I don’t particularly care for.
One might even say music I hate.
There were two such cars.
Not only were the drivers guilty of reckless noise pollution, but with my newly-sensitized-to-the-environment eyes, I could also see the colossal waste of energy inherent in their thoughtless actions.
Not just the wear and tear on the tires and the road.
Not just the gas used to power the car.
It ends up being more gas than that. Turns out there’s increased fuel consumption to support the electrical system that fires those 20 tera-watt car stereo systems with their bowel-jarring subwoofers.
Oh yeah, and the increased use of water and laundry soap (and bleach) used by innocent bystanders to clean their underwear.
The urbanite’s carbon footprint looks a lot like Bigfoot’s.
If Bigfoot has a glandular disorder that leads to disproportionate foot growth.
My first thought was to start carrying water balloons filled with acid on my semi-regular jaunts to the post office.
Open windows, ya know.
Blinded asshats with an apparent hearing impairment can’t drive, thus shrinking their carbon footprint.
But then I thought about the energy cost of manufacturing the acid, and transporting it to my neighborhood, and realized the cost-to-benefit ratio of an acid attack made it not worth the effort.
Plus the whole jail thing. I couldn’t in good conscience become a ward of the state, forcing the taxpayers to bear the burden of my incarcerated carbon footprint.
I could yell at the drivers, but let’s face it, these guys are in cars while I’m on foot, giving them a significant advantage in a run-down-that-guy-with-my-car fight.
Never come to a run-down-that-guy-with-my-car fight without your car.
It ends up being a short fight and you look like an idiot.
Plus these drivers tend to be imposing guys (notice it’s never women who do this?), and I do not look like your typical I-can-stand-up-to-imposing-guys-no-problem guy.
I look and am more of a coward-who-scurries-into-the-shadows-at-the-first-sign-of-conflict kind of guy.
That rules out throwing rocks, too.
So now I’m at a loss. It seems I can do nothing to get these audio polluters to stop.
Which is why I have decided, with a heavy heart, to start driving to the post office. With my radio on loud so I can’t hear all the scary drivers blasting their music.
I’ve done the math, and it’s the best way to reduce my carbon footprint.