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Fanfic is DESTROYING America! (Sam/Dean/JWatson/SHolmes/HPotter/HDresden)

Sam wiped the lamb’s blood mixed with demon’s blood from the silver knife and looked at Dean, whose breath heaved with the recent exertion of killing the monster. But when Dean looked in Sam’s eyes, he realized he was ready, nay, needed a little more…exertion.

Harry Dresden ran his withered, burnt hand across his bare, sweat-glistening chest, and glared at them from the other side of the prone demon body. “Please, you two, get a room.” A thoughtful expression came over his smoldering, lonely eyes. “Unless you’re willing to share…with me.”

The boy wizard leapt up in the air, his wand already at half-staff. “Me too!  Me too!” shouted Harry Potter. He waved his wand and shouted, “Snuggigus Fantasticus Sexicus!” and a plush king-sized bed appeared in the room of the abandoned old cabin. The four heroes fell into it at once, their clothes seemingly falling away as they tumbled into one another.

“Oh, I love you my sweet!”

“No, I love you more my shmoopy boopy toopy!”

“Wait, who are you talking to?”

“Not possible, Harry dearest! I love you the mostest. Just look at me when I look at you! No, look lower!”

“So you weren’t talking to me, you cold, heartless bastard. That makes me want you more! MOAR!”

“I see the game is afoot,” the young, modern-day Sherlock intoned as he burst into the cabin, followed a moment later by the erstwhile John Watson.

“My god, Holmes,” ejaculated Watson, “there are four naked men in that bed!”

“Your powers of observation fail you yet again, my dear John,” said Holmes, languishing atop the other men. “There are five naked men in this bed, and I predict that before this sentence is over there will be si- Ah, I see I deduced correctly.”

“Oh shut up and kiss me,” said John, his hungry mouth finding Sherlock’s and kissing it hungrily. “I’m ravenous for your love, old man.”

“I don’t think Mycroft would approve,” mumbled Sherlock between gasps of sheer pleasure. “He hates when I start without him.”

“Rick! Rick! Where are you!”

“Minmei!” shouted all six men at once. “What are you doing standing there when you can be here in bed, naked, with the rest of us?”

“Oh my,” said Mr. Sulu, beaming into the cabin, sword swinging, just in time to join the festivities.

Fanfic is destroying America. And I’m not talking about the paper-thin plots, the laughable sex scenes masquerading as character development, or the wanton intellectual property theft that fanfic represents.

I’m talking about England reclaiming us.

“Wha?” ask the naive Americans out there reading this. (“Who cares?” ask the nonchalant Canadians out there reading this.)

Fanfic is undergoing a British invasion. Doctor Who, Torchwood (which is practically fanfic in its raw form anyway), Sherlock (modern AND gaslight), Harry Potter(/Snape – eew!). The fanfic sites are being overwhelmed by the British newcomers. These ‘illegal immigrants’, as it were, are robbing American fanfic stories of valuable slots on the fanfic sites.

Even our old enemy, Japanese anime, is contemplating an alliance of convenience (no-strings-attached-allies-with-benefits?) to thrust off the new threat.

How do I know this? How did I detect this saucy, saucy threat?

I looked at the numbers (all from a prominent fanfic website on the net (ahem) I refuse to name because it employs so many non-American fanfics).

Greatest American Hero: 119 (Yes, the pinnacle of American greatness, the Greatest America Hero, has only 119 stories.)

Harry Effin’ Potter: 542,277 (And I’m not kidding about the effin’ part. Holy crap, remind me to never send my kids to a British boarding brothel school!)

Knight Rider: 52 (52!!!! Come on! It’s KNIGHT RIDER AND MADE OF AWESOME! KITT/Michael fanfic practically WRITES ITSELF!!!!)

Sherlock: 4509

Buck Rogers: 3 (3!!!!!!!! You can’t get MORE AMERICAN than Buck Rogers (and we all want MOAR MOAR MOAR Buck!))

Clearly the Americans are under threat from our supposed allies across the pond. The slimy limeys are taking over, and we, in our highly aroused and distracted state, are allowing them.

It’s a damn shame.

If you’re American (or if you’re Canadian but think Americans are awesome, as we are), it is your patriotic duty to stop whatever it is you’re doing right now and write a fanfic based on an American book/movie/TV series. Unless you were already in the process of doing just that, in which case, in the name of all that is holy, DON’T STOP!

Need some ideas?

Puff the Magic Dragon is woefully under-represented in the genre. Where else can you find a more American folklore opportunity?

Tom Sawyer/Huck Finn/Jumping Frog of Calaveras County. Freaky deaky!

Any characters created by Tom Wolfe or Tom Clancy. (And how about created by Wolfe AND Clancy? Tasty tasty.)

CNN is still American. Why limit ourselves to fiction? In this war on Britain, let’s draft ourselves some (American) fannonfic. Mmm, Anderson Cooper/Bernard Shaw. Yummy.

So yes, help us stop the British fanfic menace. And once we put the Brits down, we can start worrying about those cheap Chinese import fanfics. We can’t compete with their lower cost knock-offs, but we can erect a proud, tall barrier by using more and bigger penises in our fanfic.

And if you’re worried that plot will take up too much space, crowding out the giant genitalia, don’t. Plot in fanfic is like use of a condom in fanfic – totally unnecessary and rarely seen.

And once we have a perfect world of American fanfic devoid of plot or meaningful character development, free for our impressionable youth and adults to read, people will come to expect less of loftier works, such as books you buy online and at the bookstore or peruse at the library. Those can be devoid of depth and meaning too.

That’s when we’ll know we’ve won.

And now, a word from our sponsor: me!

Marlowe and the SpacewomanClick here to check out my forthcoming book, Marlowe and the Spacewoman, coming out January 9th, 2012 (Balloon Ascension Day)!

 
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Posted by on 24 August 2011 in Fanfic, Other Blogs, Story

 

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The Great Alphabet Conspiracy – The Z Is A Lie

The alphabet is evil.

I’ll bet you didn’t know that.  But it is.  It is evil to the core and out to get you.  OK, maybe not you, not yet anyway, but it is definitely out to get me.

I should clarify that I’m speaking about the English alphabet.  Even more specifically, the American English alphabet.  The British English alphabet is safe.  (I mean, come on, how can any alphabet that ends in ‘Zed’ be evil?  Simply not possible!)

The American English alphabet is evil for one reason: it has a twisted and extremely irritating limitation on the use of the letter ‘u’.  Every year, because of its archaic rule system, developed over a hundred years ago in the darkest corner of Western civilization, we are forced to drop the letter ‘u’ from a myriad of words, which has a devastating impact on the biblio-diversity of our language.

As an example, look how flat and undernourished the words ‘humor’ and ‘color’ and ‘draft’ look when compared to their proper British spelling, ‘humour’ and ‘colour’ and ‘draught’.  (And hey, there’s another nasty little gotcha of this upstart alphabet – requiring the substitution of ‘f’ for ‘gh’ – it’s diabolical!)

When I say it’s diabolical, I’m not exaggerating.  The American English alphabet is a product of the Devil herself.  (Yes, herself.  Only a woman could be this evil.  Go ahead, write your angry comments about how sexist that remark is, but it’s true.  Check out Genesis if you don’t believe me – that snake was female!)  You see, bastardizing the American English alphabet was the start of a grand project to create a schism between the United Kingdom and the United States of America, thus leaving the whole of the Atlantic Ocean up for grabs instead of under the protection of a powerful and united alliance between two mighty nations that spoke exactly the same language.

It is the American English alphabet that is directly responsible for the furled brows and confused expressions found on Americans when they hear about spotted dick and jumpers and sticky wickets.  Oh, the tragedy of it all.  And hate this devilish scheme all you want, you can’t help but admire the seductive beauty of it.  “We’re just limiting the use of the letter ‘u’ to save time on type-setting and money on ink.  For every hundred pages you print in this way, you save two and a half pages of paper.  That’s good for the environment!  (The Devil is not red, as commonly depicted, but green.  Very, very green.)  An inconsequential change with vast economic savings over time.  What could be the harm?”  Of course, this question was posed while She was wearing a very low-cut, very form-fitting dress, thus confuzzling poor Man even more.  Because let’s face it, the Devil, she is hot.

What could be the harm, indeed.  Well-played, Satan, well-played.

And off we trundled, smiles on our faces as we thought about all the money we’d save (and the curves of that clinging dress), down the path of the damned to the village of the damned with all its bastard blond children of the damned.  There were some on that path who saw the danger, who stopped and turned back and tried to warn the rest of us as we passed by.  Jesus (he spoke English, I’m pretty sure, based on all the movies he’s been in that were in English).  Benedict Arnold (who died trying to keep our nations united).  George W. Bush (whose murderous crimes against American English can only be called downright heroic once you learn the truth about the Alphabet Conspiracy.)  And the most famous of the prophets (which isn’t saying much), George Bernard Shaw, who tried to tip us off with that completely misunderstood statement, “England and America are two countries separated by a common language.”  Now there was a man who knew about the treachery of immortal women forged in Hellfire and prancing about in extremely tight-fitting dresses.

And now, of course, me.

Which is why the American English alphabet is trying to do me in.  Me and anyone else who has gotten to the end of this entry, which means you too are in mortal peril.

There’s only one way to protect yourself so you can carry on the message.  Switch to a new alphabet.  Kanji, Greek, or, if you’re lazy like me, British English.

And you have to admit, those words look so much better with the extra ‘u’.

 

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