Lately I’ve been reading some food blogs (because yes, when you hear my name you automatically think “foodie” and/or more commonly “Ugh, I’ve suddenly lost my appetite”) and stumbled across a couple where people cured their chronic illnesses by changing their diet.
Man, that is awesome news.
Because I have a chronic illness.
And all the doctors I’ve gone to have shrugged their shoulders and said, “Nope, nothing modern medicine can do about this.”
Actually, that’s how I ended up reading food blogs. The last doctor I saw said to me, “You’re screwed from a medical perspective. Maybe try a change of diet? And please, don’t come back.”
My chronic illness?
Sometimes I kinda act like an asshole.
OK, if you listen to the words my kids are always throwing at me, I am an asshole.
And short of a lobotomy, which has some pretty severe side effects, there is no drug I can take to rid myself (and my friends and family) of this affliction.
Which is not to say that the Missus and kiddos did not strongly advocate for the lobotomy. And even found an old doctor of mine willing to perform it.
But the day before the scheduled procedure, I discovered the food blogs.
Did you know there are diets out there to cure everything?
Chronic back pain.
(Though the weight loss diets tend to be contraindicated when it comes to explosive diarrhea treatments, so don’t combine those two!)
Well, they can cure almost everything. The one area where food blog science is lacking any real data is when it comes to treatments for chronic, inflamed anusry.
That’s the only place they’re lacking hard data. For everything else, these diets are thoroughly, painstakingly studied and understood.
So seeing this gaping…well, gap, I’ve decided to make my mark on society. Contribute my contribution to science. Aim carefully and take my shot for the Nobel Prize in Medicine.
I am going to test all these miracle cure diets I’ve found online and…wait for it…
See if they help with my dickishness.
I’m dead serious and I’m going to follow a disciplined approach. That means I’m going to keep a log, weigh and measure everything, all that numbery, note-takery stuff.
I’ll even throw in some graphs at the end. With my mad PowerPoint skills, it’s gonna look WICKED AWESOME!
Tracking food intake is relatively easy, I can hear you saying. But how do you measure your level of prickish?
I’m glad you asked. I’ll ask my friends and family to rate me on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being totally chill, 5 a touch uptight, and 10 a raging, full-on sphincter burst of an unholy magnitude.
Plus, to control for personal bias, I intend to approach strangers on the bus, at movie theaters, in cross walks, and in shopping malls and ask them how much of an asshole they think I am.
You see? I’ve put a lot of thought into how to accurately gauge my ass-hattery.
But you know what’s even better than this major contribution to science I’m making?
I’m going to blog about it too!
For the purposes of anonymity, I will only report the average A-Hole Index score I get rather than individual scores on the blog.
And I will subtract out the lowest and highest scores to prevent one individual skewering that week’s results. You know, just like they do in the Olympics.
So without further ado, here is my first food blog entry:
Diet: The Watermelon Diet
Description: Eat only watermelon all week. Because of its high moisture content, drink no fluids. Just consume watermelon. Eat at least two watermelons a day, though there is some disagreement in the literature I’ve found about whether a third watermelon is safe or not. There was also a fair amount of debate about seedless vs. heirloom (or seeded). To protect my own health, I will split the difference and aim for two and a half watermelons, one and a quarter with seeds and one and a quarter without.
Purpose: As I understand it, the original purpose of this diet, before I commandeered it, was to boost your immunity against scurvy. According to its proponents, eating two watermelons a day (and nothing else) allows you to skip the tedious daily lime or orange regime common to non-watermelon diets.
Amount of watermelon consumed this week: 63 pounds, 17 ounces.
A-Hole Index score: 11.2
Net result: Reliably informed (by all parties) I am still an asshole. It has been posited by some that this diet actually made me worse. However, I don’t blame the diet. I blame the unexpected onset of explosive diarrhea two days in.
Though I briefly toyed with the idea of an all-seedless run, based on these preliminary results (and my now chronic explosive diarrhea), I am forced to abandon the Watermelon Diet as non-efficacious.
Hopefully next week’s diet will go better. And harden my stool…