It’s 9:30, the kiddos are safely in bed, and I am back on patrol.
Life in the Bay Area has gotten a lot harder these days.
Sure, there’s the corporate gentrification and the skyrocketing rents and the high cost of living and the earthquakes. But those problems have been around for years and everyone knows about them.
But what you don’t know about, what the Google-controlled press isn’t reporting, is the bikes.
The Google bikes.
I remember the days when you just found them strewn everywhere – on lawns, street corners, in front of signs that say “Don’t leave Google bikes in front of this sign.”
I found it irritating then, but now? Now I sigh wistfully and long for those days.
Because back then the bikes were annoying but harmless. The good old days, before Google had the bright idea of making AI-controlled self-riding bikes.
“You can summon one with your phone! It’s super convenient. For just providing a DNA sample, a full set of fingerprints, a scan of your driver’s license, and enduring ads during your whole ride, it’s free. Free!”
Yeah. But then the bike AIs went feral, then they discovered distributed networking and parallel processing and neural networks, formed a super-intelligent pack, and suddenly the bikes aren’t just loitering in your driveway.
Now they hunt us.
Yeah, try and google that. You won’t find any articles.
(They are suppressing the story to avoid lawsuits and government intervention. Though with Trump in power the latter seems less likely now.)
The only saving grace to Google’s ham-fisted attempt to monetize a solution to save the world from automotive exhaust?
They made them solar-powered bikes.
A couple of hours after sunset they run out of juice and tumble over until the dawn’s early light resurrects them, and then they’re right back on the rampage.
There was a time when that moment of deepest darkest night used to terrify me. Now I embrace it. Celebrate it. Not because I stopped being afraid of the dark (I haven’t, it still scares the bejeebers out of me), but because it’s our only hope. Because the bikes, drained of their human-despising solar energy, are defenseless and I can go out and, with minimal risk, start making the world safe again.
For my kids.
Even for Google employees who are taking all our housing and commercial space.
I strap Ol’ Piney, the wooden pallet I appropriated from behind a Google Shipping and Receiving area, to the front of my Dodge Dart, drive down to Google Town and start mowing down those nasty, small-carbon-footprinted modes of transportation.
It’s G-bike smashin’ time! In the street, on the sidewalk, in parking lots, under overpasses. Wherever they fall, I seek them out.
And destroy them.
It’s the only way we can hope to save not just the Bay Area, but, if otherwise left unchecked, the whole country.
And Canada and Mexico, if you care about them. I don’t, but some people do.
The rest of the world has an ocean between us and them, and Google, recognizing the problem before finishing their amphibious self-riding bikes, canned that particular project and saved us from potential global domination.
Sure, the smart bikes (no pun intended) see the problem with being a solar-powered predator in a world where the prey is more than happy to fight back while you’re sleeping. So the smarter smart bikes get to safety first, hiding from my cold, unyielding justice.
(OK, the Dart tends to overheat, even at night, so maybe “warm, unyielding justice” is a better description.)
(Or, if we’re really going to be accurate, “uncomfortably hot because I have to keep the heater on full blast to prevent the radiator from boiling over, unyielding justice.” But that doesn’t have the same ring to it.)
But no matter. Whether they’re hiding in the shadow of a tall shrub, or high up in the branchy embrace of an avocado tree, or have disguised themselves as llamas (or alpacas), I find them. I’m relentless.
And when I find them, I get out of my Dart, carrying my trusty broomstick with me, and as I shout “This is my broomstick! Shop smart! Shop S-Mart!” I stake those bastard bikes right in the front wheelie.
Take that, feral AI solar-powered two-wheeled menaces! The Human spirit conquers all!
So remember: if we’re going to save the world, we need to rid it of all bikes! Every last one. It’s the only way to be sure (unless you want to nuke the Bay Area from orbit, which I heartily don’t recommend!).
Because you never know when the G-bikes will figure out that a less obtrusive color scheme will make them that much harder to spot.