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Black Friday: A dark day indeed

If dinosaur-to-bird isn't a stretch, then we should be really worried about human-to-turkey evolution

Is this the future of human evolution?

Today is Black Friday.

If someone made a movie about humans being selectively bred to create better meat-producers to feed an occupying force of space cannibals, people would consider it a horror movie.

Yet no one cringes in queasy horror at the thought of turkeys being selectively bred for food.

Either we need to be more shocked at the plight of the turkey, or less uptight about cannibalism. I’m not sure which. Yet.

But there is hope for our rabidly consuming society. We have set aside the day after Thanksgiving to remember the countless thousands, perhaps even millions, of moist, plump turkeys that had their lives extinguished in an automated, completely mechanized way that we might frenzy around a table with our extended families.

Though it is possible that frenzying is due to arguing over politics. Always a bad idea when hungry people are grasping for mashed potatoes just out of reach.

So while you struggle through the solemn, remembering crowds in the stores today, belly heavy with the bounty of yesterday’s feast, heart heavy with the after-effects of heartburn, keep in mind the true meaning of Black Friday:

It’s about all the turkeys out there.

Happy shopping, suckers.

And now, a word from our sponsor: me! My books are available!

Marlowe and the Spacewoman:

Marlowe and the Spacewoman

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So bad it won a Voidy for the next THREE consecutive years (would have been FOUR, but 2012 was a leap year)

 
 

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It’s not the people’s fault, it’s the electorate’s!

I apologize for the tardiness of this post, but it’s not my fault.

I blame the election.

More specifically, I blame the Missus.

The Missus because of her habit of strapping me to a chair on election nights. Often strapping me far more securely than is strictly necessary.

To be sure, she has good cause, if past behavior is any indicator.

If the results aren’t going my way, I’ve been known to threaten suicide, or worse, pulling up roots and moving the whole family to Canada.

Yes, the Horrible Great Northern. I get that caught up in the election outcomes.

And don’t even ask about my reaction to the state and federal results.

So the last few election cycles, she’s taken to tying me to a chair before the news coverage starts. It reduces both drama and damage to furniture and fixtures.

A real win-win. If the two teams are Furniture United and Fixturepool. Turns out I’m the hooligan.

But even the most ardent hooligan, after spending hours chewing through leather straps, finds his passion for mayhem (and/or emigration) significantly cooled. Trust me, you don’t feel like doing much of anything. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

Most years, I spend the next twelve hours after my escape perched on the toilet, head tilted back while I gargle a 50/50 blend of water and Orajel.

Especially if that year’s selection of leather was tanned improperly.

Not so, this year.

This year took a little longer than usual to chew through the straps because the Missus decided to ‘spice things up’ and instead of leather straps, used Bungee cords.

It wouldn't have been so unpleasant if she'd soaked the cord in fruit punch or diluted mint oil first

No, I’m not a human/chipmunk hybrid. It’s the extremely tight Bungee cord making my cheeks look puffy. Or maybe those donuts I get at work every Thursday.

Let me tell you, if you think leather is hard to chew through, you haven’t tasted anything yet. Not only are the Bungee cords more fibrous and fuzzy (ick, what a disgusting sensation), but they are surprisingly difficult on the old choppers.

To make matters worse, when they break, they snap! Comet-smacking-into-the-Earth-and-wiping-out-the-dinosaurs magnitude snap.

Especially with how tight the Missus has taken to wrapping them! I almost suspect she doesn’t support the same mayoral candidate as I do, and takes out my ‘incorrect’ allegiance with her binding technique.

So it took me three days to recuperate. Three days that included an emergency trip to the dentist, four crown replacements, a referral to a periodontist, two emergency implants (dental, people, my man-breasts are plenty large enough already!), and enough pain killers to stun a giraffe.

And when I say giraffe, I’m talking about one of those hard-core, strung-out junkie giraffes that has a taste for the black tar and looks scary enough that people cross to the other side of the zoo when walking past them.

It’s not speciesism! It’s common sense. You’d drop your judgmental attitude if you could see that damn giraffe, all gaunt with eyes rimmed black with mascara and a sneer that says, “Come over ‘ere an’ I’ll show you who’s boss.”

And that is why my blog post is late. Because I can’t be trusted to handle the damn city council election results.

But Ian, I can hear you muttering derisively, that only accounts for lost time up to Saturday. Why didn’t a blog post appear Saturday night?

Well, OK, I was hoping to skip mentioning this, out of respect for the fallen, but once I was well enough to move about, I had to go to several funerals and help some other surviving friends pack.

Turns out the state and federal election results didn’t go so well as far as some of my friends and acquaintances were concerned.

If only their spouses / significant others had some leather straps.

And now, a word from our sponsor: me!
 
My books are available!

Marlowe and the Spacewoman:

Marlowe and the Spacewoman

Kleencut (FREE!):

So bad it won a Voidy for the next THREE consecutive years (would have been FOUR, but 2012 was a leap year)

 
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Posted by on 13 November 2012 in Angst, Life

 

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Activist lawmakers – they make activist judges look almost impartial!

If I had a hammer, I would wake my neighbor, pounding out a rhythm, all about my opinion and why it should be law!

These gavels are veterans in the long war over Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Also rumored to be faster than a speeding bullet.

There’s been a lot of whining about activist judges destroying the Constitution and undermining the rule of law.

Screw that, I’m worried about something far more terrible.

Yes, there is something even worse than the existence of judges who have the temerity to interpret laws and how they relate to the Constitution:

Activist lawmakers.

Just saying the words makes me feel dirty.

And strangely aroused.

Ahem. Activist lawmakers are members of state and federal legislative branches who pass laws to fit their political, social, and/or religious agendas, regardless of pesky things like rational discourse and critical thinking.

They allow their personal beliefs and, in some cases, political donations, to color their legislative record, to determine what they think should be the final outcome of any and every vote.

Shocking.

Disgusting.

Surprisingly lucrative.

To the activist lawmaker, the Constitution is merely an inconvenient set of guidelines that they ought, but aren’t strictly required, to adhere to.

For these legislators-with-an-agenda, the Bill of Rights is the merest of speed bumps on the road to legislating “this is how I see it, and I’m right, dammit!”

Checks and balances are a contrived annoyance that they will somehow, no matter how improbably, link to Communists, Socialists, and crack-addicted Libertarians.

Facts and figures are part of the ‘fog of war’, obstacles to ignore, or if that proves too impractical, to overcome if they’re to win the war they think they’re fighting.

And you can always tell an activist lawmaker because they’re constantly talking about the war on America, or the American people, or the rights of the American people. Or Christmas.

A war usually spearheaded by activist judges, it turns out.

The final hallmark of activist lawmakers, the big give-away that reveals their true nature?

They pass sloppily written laws that activist judges are then forced to interpret.

If that wasn’t enough, then there’s the Executive Branch activists. Don’t get me started on them!

Although sometimes I wonder if the Executive Branch is the only thing protecting us from the tyranny of the majority…in the Legislative Branch.

And now, a word from our sponsor: me!
 
My books are available!

Marlowe and the Spacewoman:

Marlowe and the Spacewoman

Kleencut (FREE!):

So bad it won a Voidy for the next THREE consecutive years (would have been FOUR, but 2012 was a leap year)

 

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 
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