This year my Xmas present to myself is giving the Missus a copy of my Marital Relations bucket list.
The rest of this blog is going to have some ‘mature content’ (my critics and detractors’ opinions aside), so if you’re looking for something a bit more family friendly, or you really don’t want the visual of me associated with some super freaky stuff, may I recommend last year’s helpful guide on properly selecting and disposing of an Xmas tree?
That post, I can guarantee, it a total turn-off.
Unless you’re into Xmas tree snuff fic.
I know you people are out there. I see the search terms that lead you to this blog.
Makes me downright queasy, some days.
Anyway, there are so many challenges and obstacles for me to overcome in the bedroom that it was hard to limit the list to just twenty items. I’m sure many of you will notice some obvious choices not on my list and feel compelled to point them out in the comments.
Just keep in mind, no matter how unlikely it may seem, that maybe, just maybe, I’ve tapped those items.
And now, without further ado, on to the list of positions and strategies I wish to adopt in the big, warm, cuddly marital bed! Since I’m sure none of these names will be unfamiliar to my typical readers, I will not bore you with definitions or diagrams.
- Death Throes of the Red Shirt (Note to self: need Star Trek soundtrack with fight music to do this one right)
- Run Lola Run (to avoid unwelcome interruptions, remember to load starter pistol with blanks this time)
- The Defrocked Missionary (works best in a hotel room where a Gideon Bible is available for use as a counter-weight)
- The Blue Meanie – Kill, Glove, Kill (blue nitrile gloves have been deemed an acceptable substitute for latex by the American Psychiatric Association if allergies are a concern)
- Even Reverse Cowgirls Get The Blues (But Evidently Not The Flu) (can be safely attempted even when partner is feeling down and under the weather)
- The Comfy Chair (this is exactly what it sounds like)
- Descent Into Dante’s Inferno (need to find Far Side: Nerds In Hell poster, put on ceiling ahead of time)
- Escape From Dante’s Paradiso (will need to remind myself about escape portion, because I won’t want to leave)
- Lounging In Dante’s Purgatorio (not sure if reading Dante in original Italian will be all that arousing, check how Missus feels about it first, go with English translation if she’s averse to foreign languages in the bedroom)
- Bang Bang Maxwell’s Silver Hammer (research toxicity of silver spray paint before attempting; also, will I need to apply primer first?)
- Deep Impact (work on Morgan Freeman impression…a lot…before attempting this one)
- Close Shave (clay sheep optional, but must have Grommit figurine on nightstand)
- Embracing Your Lord and Savior (will need to find a clerical collar, perhaps use the one from The Defrocked Missionary?)
- Tantric Turn and Cough (need to buy a lot more hemorrhoids cream first)
- Run The Victory Lap (don’t really want to do this one, but the Missus is partial to it, and if I can get her to do the rest of this list, I owe it to her; also, need to clear large furniture out of living room temporarily to make space)
- Squeeze The Potato, The Naughty, Naughty Potato (need to buy three super-sized orders of fries from McDonald’s, get ketchup packets from Burger King right before starting, make sure they’re kept warm till we’re ready for them)
- Raid The Farmer’s Market (organic is more expensive, but ultimately more satisfying)
- Restaurant At The End Of The Universe (will need to order take-out afterward)
- The Wind Tunnel (get a discreet pair of noise-cancelling headphones first)
- Oh No, Not My Nigel! (yes, as much as you’d like to think so, yes, your Nigel too)
Ménage à Un (if this one was any indicator, I’m a terrible lover)
A surprising number of the positions I’d like to try sound more like martial arts moves than marital arts moves, but my preliminary research indicates this is not without reason.
My usual workout routine of sitting on the cough watching television will not be sufficient preparation – I need to implement a rigid exercise program involving cardio as well as heavy lifting before I’ll be ready to try most of them.
So I guess I’ve figured out my New Year’s resolution.
All of which makes me really hope the Mayans are wrong about this apocalypse thing, because I didn’t write this list until this morning.
Plus even if I was in shape, Tantric Turn and Cough takes three days to do properly.
I get winded just thinking about it!
Merry Xmas and Happy Holidays, everyone!
And if the only way to ensure that is to try some of the items on my list, I say go for it!
Just don’t post any pictures or videos online please.
I don’t want the competition.
—And now, a word from our sponsor: me! My books are available!