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Activist lawmakers – they make activist judges look almost impartial!

If I had a hammer, I would wake my neighbor, pounding out a rhythm, all about my opinion and why it should be law!

These gavels are veterans in the long war over Truth, Justice, and the American Way. Also rumored to be faster than a speeding bullet.

There’s been a lot of whining about activist judges destroying the Constitution and undermining the rule of law.

Screw that, I’m worried about something far more terrible.

Yes, there is something even worse than the existence of judges who have the temerity to interpret laws and how they relate to the Constitution:

Activist lawmakers.

Just saying the words makes me feel dirty.

And strangely aroused.

Ahem. Activist lawmakers are members of state and federal legislative branches who pass laws to fit their political, social, and/or religious agendas, regardless of pesky things like rational discourse and critical thinking.

They allow their personal beliefs and, in some cases, political donations, to color their legislative record, to determine what they think should be the final outcome of any and every vote.

Shocking.

Disgusting.

Surprisingly lucrative.

To the activist lawmaker, the Constitution is merely an inconvenient set of guidelines that they ought, but aren’t strictly required, to adhere to.

For these legislators-with-an-agenda, the Bill of Rights is the merest of speed bumps on the road to legislating “this is how I see it, and I’m right, dammit!”

Checks and balances are a contrived annoyance that they will somehow, no matter how improbably, link to Communists, Socialists, and crack-addicted Libertarians.

Facts and figures are part of the ‘fog of war’, obstacles to ignore, or if that proves too impractical, to overcome if they’re to win the war they think they’re fighting.

And you can always tell an activist lawmaker because they’re constantly talking about the war on America, or the American people, or the rights of the American people. Or Christmas.

A war usually spearheaded by activist judges, it turns out.

The final hallmark of activist lawmakers, the big give-away that reveals their true nature?

They pass sloppily written laws that activist judges are then forced to interpret.

If that wasn’t enough, then there’s the Executive Branch activists. Don’t get me started on them!

Although sometimes I wonder if the Executive Branch is the only thing protecting us from the tyranny of the majority…in the Legislative Branch.

And now, a word from our sponsor: me!
 
My books are available!

Marlowe and the Spacewoman:

Marlowe and the Spacewoman

Kleencut (FREE!):

So bad it won a Voidy for the next THREE consecutive years (would have been FOUR, but 2012 was a leap year)

 

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So You Want (Your Kid) To Be A Superhero

I want the best for my children. What parent doesn’t?

So, as a parent, I am forced to ask myself, what is the best I can provide for my kids that also has a commercial upside for me?

The answer is surprisingly simple and obvious:

Make them superheroes.

They fight crime, stop evildoers, and I make a fortunate on the interview and lecture circuit.

Not to mention the tell-all biographies.

So, easy question to answer.

Not-so-easy answer to implement.

Sure, there’s the Batman model, where you let your young child witness your murder, thus driving him or her to a life of crime-fighting.

I can think of at least one drawback to this approach.

OK, two. In addition to the expensive therapy, this technique requires me to die.

I am way too selfish and self-absorbed to die.

In fact, I plan to avoid shuffling off altogether once I find the Fountain of Youth. Only I’m not so youthful anymore – anyone got any tips on a location for that? I need to find it in a hurry.

But back to the best for my kids.

Dying off and condemning them to years of painful psychiatric treatment just doesn’t strike me as the best approach. Plus this method doesn’t give them any superpowers either.

I tried to get a source of gamma radiation, but that led to an awkward conversation with a bunch of touchy FBI agents.

They show up at your door at like 5am with an armed team and an attitude and start demanding to know why you want something that gives off gamma rays.

Ridiculous!

And then I remembered what my high school gym teacher always used to tell me.

OK, yell at me. Repeatedly. As I tried in vain to climb that damn rope.

“Ya see that? It’s the Ruskies! There they are, just on the horizon! Boy are we in trouble with you lot!”

And, more helpfully, “Build that muscle memory! Then you won’t have to think about it and you’ll just do it!”

Muscle memory.

If I get my kids started early enough, I can train their muscles to make them superheroes.

Which is why I started early with the training program.

One of my kids loves Spiderman, so I’ve got him on the wall crawling regimen.

It’s great. He loves it, never complains. Actually asks for the sessions.

The other one is a Batman freak, but since Batman doesn’t have any superpowers, I put that kid on the flying program.

This is not so great. As he’s ‘flying’ around, all he does is whine about wanting a utility belt and a cable gun.
I don’t have high hopes for that one.

Here is some early test footage:

It's a bird! It's a plane! It's some guy's kids, trying to fly and climb walls.

My method is simple. Get them comfortable with the idea of superpowers
before forcing them to evolve into those superpowers.
That way, no awkward clumsy phases.
With superpowers, you don’t want awkward clumsy phases.

You can bet your top, middle, and bottom dollars that I don’t torment my kids with threats of Ruskies looming on the horizon. That’s so 1980s. I use Al Qaeda – much more topical.

If things continue to go well, I’ll be moving to Stage 2 soon, which involves a catapult for the flying and a visit to the roof of the Empire State Building for the wall climbing.

I firmly believe in the “Sink or Swim” school of, well, schooling.

No, no, please, don’t say anything. Step back. Sit down. You don’t have to thank me. Knowing my kids will grow up to save the world is reward enough.

Well, that and all the money I’ll make cashing in on their fame.

By the way, anyone got a source for good but inexpensive catapults?

And now, a word from our sponsor: me!
 
My books are available!

Marlowe and the Spacewoman:

Marlowe and the Spacewoman

Kleencut (FREE!):

So bad it won a Voidy for the next THREE consecutive years (would have been FOUR, but 2012 was a leap year)

 

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