I just discovered the secret to dating, and damn if I can’t take advantage of it.
Yes, I have learned the key to meeting women, but the Missus will do me grievous bodily harm if I try to take advantage of this knowledge.
Which isn’t to say I want to! I’m quite happy with my current matrimonial state, thank you very much.
But boy is it galling to know this now and not, say, when I was in my late teen / early twenties, miserably lonely, and terrified of (meeting) women.
Now I could turn this into a best-selling self-help book for lonely hearts, but that sounds like a lot of work and frankly, I have enough unfinished writing projects on my plate right now.
So instead, I’ll just tell you for free. If this technique leads to a happily ever after for you, all I ask is you drop me a note thanking me for my advice and maybe put me in your will?
If getting a lawyer involved is too much trouble, I also take cash.
What exactly is this ground-breaking miracle approach to attracting women?
(Sorry, don’t know if this works on men, but if I had to guess, given men are all heartless jerks, probably not.)
Wheels on your dog.
Unfortunately, I paid a steep price for this knowledge, a discovery precipitated by very personal, very bad news.
My dog can’t walk any more unassisted.
The vet says he’s not in any pain but hobbling along on three legs wasn’t working out too well so we got my ol’ buddy a set of wheels.
To make them cooler, I tried to paint flames on the sides of the frame. But that didn’t work out: my cowardly dog is deathly afraid of fire.
Let me tell you, dorky looking or not, every time I take my dog and his training wheels for a walk, I get stopped at least once by a passing, cooing over how cute he is and asking what’s wrong with him.
Sometimes it’s even, get this, a group of women!
And then I get the watery, sympathetic eyes look.
If ever there was a moment to get all weepy and in-touch-with-your-emotional-side and confess how hard it’s been to deal with your best friend’s failing health and if only you had someone to commiserate with over a coffee at the nearby Starbucks (there’s always one nearby) say this Friday at 7, this is it.
What can I say? He can’t help himself – this bewheeled pooch is a chick magnet.
Now to be clear, I’m not saying that getting a puppy whose breed is predisposed to joint issues in their old age and then waiting for nature to take its course is a winning dating strategy.
Unless you like playing the long game.
But I’m also not telling you to slap a pair of wheels on a healthy dog and then drag him or her around the neighborhood looking for phone numbers. Because if a serious relationship develops from that, well, she’s gonna find out about the fake wheels at some point or you’re going have to start bribing your vet.
Which I guess means you do have to play the long game.
Well crap. I guess my dating secret isn’t all that practical after all, and certainly isn’t going to move a lot of paper in book form.
At least I’m already in a happy, healthy relationship. I guess that’s the silver lining?
Look, I’m not some creepy guy trying to take advantage of his dog’s failing health to meet women.
And I’m not some creepy guy trying to live vicariously through you as you do the above.
No. I’m a good guy. Really, I am.
You see, I’m just trying to be relevant and provide useful advice to folks. It just turns out I’m terrible at it.
So just forget about this post. The sooner, the better.
Unless you do already have a dog.
A dog that needs wheels.
That you haven’t been walking regularly.
If that’s the case and you’re looking for love, well…now you know what to do.
I take tips, mentions in wills, and five-star reviews on Amazon.