Sure, you can dress up like a Christmas tree if it'll make you feel better. But it won't save your sorry ass, fool.
It’s that time of year again.
That horrible, horrible time of year.
Yes, it’s Christmas Tree Season.
Every year around December, for some inexplicable reason, a large portion of the population rushes out and buys Christmas trees. Usually without any thought to the consequences.
Much like when people go out and get pets. Goldfish have long-term needs, people!
I cannot fathom why anyone would bring one of these trees into their home – it’s an extremely dangerous undertaking, even for the experts who know what they’re doing.
So, in an effort to save lives this year, I am offering my Christmas Tree Safety Tips (TM).
1) When selecting a tree, go with a sickly looking one. These trees are weak, and not terribly effective predators. However, when choosing a sickly tree, it is vital you follow step 2 below.
2) When buying a tree from a lot, verify with the lot owner that none of the trees are from Colorado. While all Christmas trees hunt at night, only Colorado pines develop fangs.
If the vendor can’t guarantee the tree lot is Colorado-free, take your custom elsewhere.
3) Get a stand that uses screws – both into the side of the trunk to hold the tree up / in the stand, and into the floor so the tree is actually fixed in place and cannot drag the stand with it when attempting a nocturnal prowl.
4) The more embarrassing the decorations make the tree look, the lower its self-esteem will be, and the less likely you are to fall victim to its midnight cravings for human blood. Think cat or dog in a Christmas sweater humiliating. Think Richard-Simmons-in-spandex doll for a topper instead of the more traditional winged babe.
5) When you are done with the tree, dispose of it properly and thoroughly. Not a sprig or a needle can remain in your home if you’re to avoid a later infestation of saplings. They aren’t just annoying – they can be deadly.
The best way to dispose of your tree is to nuke it from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
Sadly, most people have irrationally spent all their end-of-the-year disposable income on gifts for some strange reason, and can’t afford an orbital nuke. A crying shame, if you ask me.
So, for those of you who are runners-up in the nuclear arms race, here’s the next best thing:
Use a wood chipper, soak the leavings in kerosene, and then burn the whole mess. Be careful to catch any sap drippings. There can be spores in the sap.
If you didn’t reserve a wood chipper well in advance, and find yourself unable to obtain one when it’s time for the tree to go, then use a chain saw and shred the tree. I know it’s counter-intuitive, but start from the bottom, where the tree is thicker. This is where the grappling arms are the most developed and dangerous.
Many a tree has maimed or killed its owner during its death throes, so for goodness sake, start at the bottom!
Once you’ve cut it up nice and slow, burn the limbs and trunk segments. Make sure to wear a respirator to avoid breathing the smoke. There can be spores in the smoke.
And if you love your children, don’t let them near the tree at any point! Don’t leave anything under it that would draw children within the death radius of the Christmas tree. Things like toys or brightly colored boxes are examples of horrible, horrible things to leave around a Christmas tree.
If you follow these tips, you will probably be safe. Just be sure to keep a spray bottle loaded with Agent Orange or napalm under your pillow, in case the tree gets loose one night and pays you a visit in your bed.
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And now, a word from our sponsor: me!
Click here to check out my forthcoming book, Marlowe and the Spacewoman, coming out January 9th, 2012 (Balloon Ascension Day)!
ian m dudley 