But I looked great wearing it…

Prompt: What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

At first I thought it was my wedding band.

Then I remembered I was wearing my grandfather’s watch, which while not antique or anything, is older than my ring.

Then I remembered that my ring is made of gold, which is billions of years old.

Which puts the ring in the lead again.

Then I realized maybe jewelry doesn’t count.

In which case, it’s the tiki idol I found in Hawaii and wear as a good luck charm.

Then I remembered I don’t wear it anymore because it’s cursed. While wearing it, I sat on my prized ukulele, threw out my back, wiped out while surfing a monster wave, got attacked by tarantulas, and had my nose broken by a football.

Sold it on eBay for a tidy sum…

The tiki idol is also jewelry, so if that counted, we’re back to the ring being in the lead.

Though the watch has some metal in it, too.

And honestly, everything we are and wear is the stuff of star dust, so who knows?

Me, moments before disaster struck and I drowned

 

You tell me

Are you a leader or a follower?

I’m definitely a leader.

Right?

I wear the pants around here. Nothing else, but definitely the pants.

 

Gives all new meaning to “knocking the melons to check for freshness”

Prompt: List your top 5 favorite fruits.

I’ve always been a fruit and veg man.

Drives the Missus crazy. We walk past the produce section in the grocery store, and I always turn to stare at the luscious offerings on display.

I couldn’t possibly pick ten favorites, let alone five.

I’m an equal opportunity herbivore. I don’t discriminate.

I just enjoy the variety of flavors, colors, textures, and juicy-ness.

I do care about mouth feel, tho.

I needs me my fresh veggies…

 

Stop looking down on me!

Prompt: What’s one small improvement you can make in your life?

I could be one inch taller.

You see, my pant size is… irregular, and it’s hard to find a good fit lengthwise. My perfect size does exist, but is hard to find.

Because I can’t afford a tailor and shop ‘off-the-rack’, I end up with pants that are either:

A] too long (the cuffs dragging on the ground or, even worse, slipping under my heel) 

or

B] too short, exposing far more ankle than is proper (scandalous!)

But if I was an inch taller, I’d be taller (which will help my social standing, no pun intended) and could buy more commonly available off-the-rack trousers (not that this source of attire helps my social standing much).

So yes, I’d take an extra inch. Even half an inch.

Quarter inch?

Anything, really. Lifts are not comfortable…

The next size up is a trip hazard for me…

 

Good job, well done, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning

Prompt: Share a story about someone who had a positive impact on your life.

My parents.

Every time I screwed up, they walloped me good.

Nothing teaches you how to distinguish between right and wrong like a thorough thrashing.

An honorable mention goes to the nuns with their fearsome rulers.

After a year with them, I could diagram a sentence without even reading it!

But back to my parents.

Not only did they teach me right from wrong, but I learned all about the instruments of justice.

Belts.

Paddles.

Cricket bats.

Hockey sticks.

Brass knuckles.

Meat hooks and weather balloons.

Bonus on that last one: my punishment aerial views greatly improved my ability to read maps.

I also developed a thick hide via scar tissue, not to mention a keen aversion to mistakes.

Which explains why I avoided a lot of the more challenging courses in college.

My conditioning was so deep I even got the shakes before the start of my underwater basket weaving classes.

It was my parents who made me the man I am today.

As well as the dad I am today.

My kids may not know it yet, but they’ll thank me.

Some day…

I would have preferred a lawn chair, but the meat hooks ensure you don’t fall to your death

 

Ian M. Dudley, LLC

Prompt: What does freedom mean to you?

In Citizens United v. Manchester United, the Supreme Court defined freedom as anything a corporation wants to do.

Except play as the central midfielder in a football match.

Because even freedom has limits.

And rightfully so.

People are stupid idiots.

Corporations are made of people.

People are even more imbecilic (if you can believe it) in large numbers.

Corporations consist of a large number of people.

Ergo corporations are black-hole dense levels of moronity.

(That means they are really, really thick.)

For some reason (mumble grumble Constitution mumble inalienable rights grumble mumble), the law says we’re entitled to freedom.

But freedom unchecked is dangerous, given how gormless people are.

I mean, come on. Look at all the people gluing themselves to roads, works of art, and radical ideologies that, in some cases, actually advocate for the death of the glue-ees!

Sheer, mind-boggling idiocy!

But while corporations are a deep well of duh, they are held accountable.

Their cloddish dunderheadedness is reigned in by a small group of elites known as a board of directors.

If not for these business instruments, we’d be living in the world of Idiocracy.

Well, more in it, anyway.

And the Supreme Court recognized and acknowledged this in the Citizens United decision.

The great unwashed masses are too dim and dirty to be trusted with freedoms.

But the teaming masses, yoked by corporate governance, can be made to avoid the worst excesses of freedom.

And that’s what companies do.

They influence us.

Manipulate us.

Guide us.

That’s what advertising, lobbying, and political donations are all about.

But trying to replace Cristiano Ronaldo?

That was a bridge too far.

And rightly smacked down by the esteemed jurists.

Nowhere in the Constitution does it state that soccer balls can vote. Time for an amendment? 

 

Isn’t disagreement at the root of all our problems?

Prompt: What public figure do you disagree with the most?

What is there to disagree about?

Sure, there are issues we need to have calm, reasoned discussions about.

Those pesky gray areas between unrealistic (and myopic) black and white worldviews.

But we’re an enlightened society, advanced far beyond previous generations, beyond name-calling and tribalism and othering, so those conversations are obviously happening.

And making the world a happier, more inclusive and integrated place.

Right?

We respect differing viewpoints, celebrate them even, and strive to find common ground.

That’s how we get things done in a civil society.

Otherwise, you’d have political gridlock, vilification of those who don’t share your point of view, and an indifference to common courtesy that inevitably leads to rage on all sides and the subsequent, entirely predictable outbreak of violence in the streets.

And nobody wants that.

Right?

What do we want? Peaceful coexistence! When do we want it? Right now!

 

Huge Doctor Who announcement!

Russell T. Davies has announced, in addition to all the other changes he’s making to long-running TV series Doctor Who, that he’s updating the look of the Doctor’s time machine, the TARDIS:

The TARDIS on Skaro: A blue porta-potty was deemed more in line with the new show’s writing quality than the traditional police call box.

 

There’s a time and a place for everything

People in a public bathroom, talking on their phones, are a pet peeve for me.

Is the call truly that urgent?

For the sake of the person on the other end of the line, are you sure the call can’t wait?

This is particularly vexing at work, where everyone in the building truly should know better.

My solution, when encountering this phenomenon, is to enter the neighboring stall, sit down with a loud groan, be silent for a beat, and then shout:

Aft torpedoes fire!

Followed by a grunt, a flush, and a detailed verbal damage assessment.

Leave the damn phone at your desk or in your pocket…

Torpedo yield about 15% higher than expected

 

7, 17, 29, 13, 5, 31, and the bonus numbers are 11 and 19

Prompt: What is your career plan?

My first plan seemed like it couldn’t go wrong.

But it did.

I was supposed to marry for money, not love.

Find an upwardly mobile cougar and enjoy the carefree life of a boy-toy.

Carefree except for the … martial duties … that is.

But unsurprisingly, I managed to screw that up big time.

Focusing on love and happiness instead of comfortable, mostly contentedness.

Plus, I think I was too honest in my dating profile…

So I got down to brass tacks and came up with a new plan.

Sure, I considered hard work and competence, but that requires a lot of effort.

Way, way too much, as far as I’m concerned.

So I play the lottery.

My plan is to win big, quit my job, and live a life free of worries and … marital duties.

Mreeow! Now sign the damn prenup!